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Friday, June 5, 2015

7 Words Women Use To Describe Men (And What They Really Mean)


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Maybe we should all just start saying what we mean!! (Except let’s not because these types of euphemisms are the worn-down fabric that holds the dating world together.)

“Nice”

Let’s just get this one out of the way tout de suite, because we all know the answer (even if we don’t like to think about it). “Nice” means lame. “Nice” means not interested. “Nice” means “like a brother, in the sense that I maybe enjoy his company in small doses but the thought of getting near him in a romantic way incites in me that very deep-set biological reaction of ‘no, this is wrong, get away from him.'” If someone wants to indicate your actual niceness, they’re going to say “kind, thoughtful, really good to people.” Nice — even outside of a romantic context — is a euphemism for “room-
temperature skim milk.”

“Bro”

If you are in your 20s and a woman refers to you as a bro, this is a general indicator that you have no kitchen utensils, you still occasionally consume your beer out of a funnel, and you need a mother-like figure (if not your actual mother) to do your laundry. Basically “bro” is shorthand for “not ready to be serious, but could eventually prove to be a sparkling geode of marriage material if cracked open and shined up right.”

“Gorgeous”

“Gorgeous” is always that very specific kind of hot. We all have our types, and a lot of the time our actual “type” is far from what we could consider “gorgeous.” (I enjoy my men tall and gaunt and generally like European royalty after being held in a prison cell by revolutionaries for a few months.) But “gorgeous” is employed when this guy is very good-looking in an “everyone else is also going to find him hot” kind of way, and it always has an undercurrent of “what the hell is he doing with me, something must be wrong with him.”

“Emotional”

This dude has cried in or around the bed. He asks to talk to your mother. He probably texts upwards of ten times a day and often just checks in “to see how you’re doing.” It’s also important to note that being “emotionally available” is a good thing, but no one identifies someone that way. If a girl goes so far as to identify a man by his feelings, that means they are leaking out of his body like a sad, rusty colander at all hours of the day.

“Bimbo”

I would say that these guys are the real-life equivalents of Channing Tatum, but I have a conspiracy theory going that every male bimbo you meet in a bar with a name like The Thirsty Turtle is literally Channing Tatum. He appears in thousands of places at once, sent by the government to sabotage feminism. Basically this guy is hot in that really high-school-jock-who-went-on-to-work-at-Mattress-Discounters way, but his reading level doesn’t seem to be above “sixth grade.”
Note: Not all attractive men are dumb — far from it — but some of them are. And they look like Channing Tatum.

“Business Bro”

Like the bro, but with a salary over 60k a year, and forced to look professional nine hours a day.

“Busy”

The mournful bird call of everyone who’s ever been in denial over five unanswered text messages, “He’s really busy right now” can be directly Google Translated into “He’s not interested in me but shows me occasional moments of affection so that I continue to give him the panties,” and we all know it. But let’s just let everyone have “busy.” It’s a band-aid over a bullet wound, but sometimes we all need our security blankets of heavy delusion. Shh, it’s okay, he’s just been busy for seven consecutive weeks. His schedule will definitely be clearing up come summertime.

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