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Thursday, June 4, 2015

Things You Have To Stop Doing Once You Get Into A Relationship


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1. Not washing your sheets

I’ll admit something I’m not terribly proud of. When I’m not sleeping with someone on the regular, I’ve been known to let my sheets game slide. “Slide” is actually a bit of an understatement. They’ve gone into Where The Wild Things Are territory. That all changes, however, when you get into a relationship with somebody. Now you have no choice but to wash them at least once a week. This shouldn’t be a struggle though. When you’re in a relationship, your sheets are stained with sex which is disgusting. But when you’re single, they’re just stained with breadcrumbs and your own tears.

2. Farting

Oh, you didn’t know this? You can’t fart when you’re dating someone. Sometimes the relationship
will actually just feel like one long held in fart since that’s all you’ll ever be doing. We spend 95% of our time in relationships with our butt cheeks clenched together, praying to G-O-D that one doesn’t  escape. And if it does, you’ll spend the rest of the day locked in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. (Note: This rule doesn’t exactly apply to gay relationships. Since we’re always one second away from dealing with each other’s crap, farts don’t seem like a big deal by comparison.)

3. Calling your ex

You can be friends with your exes when you get into a new relationship. It’s very evolved of you and actually makes you look good in front of your new significant other. By being someone who remains on good terms with all their exes, you’re showing them that you’re not crazy. You’re a reasonable and fair person. All that being said, keep your ex at bay. Leave the ex at home. Don’t invite them over for an intimate hang out sesh on a Friday night. Don’t text them when you’re drunk. Don’t engage in a Cranberries style “Linger” hug. Just place them in your “OMG, I’m so cool for being chill with my exes!” category and just sort of leave them there.

4. Getting blackout wasted

It’s a blast to get accidental/on purpose wasted with your significant other. It feels safe and secure. You take comfort in knowing that you’re going home with someone you adore. It’s quite another thing, however, to get blackout wasted on the semi-regular and coming home to your sleeping and sober companion. In your drunken stupor, you’ll probably try to have sex with them and your BF/GF will just be like “Um, your private parts are blacked out too, babe.” The next day you don’t recall anything and your boo is pissed because they got little to no sleep. I mean, blackouts aren’t a good look for ANYONE but they’re particularly bad when it’s just yourself and you’re dealing with someone who isn’t drinking to excess. In general, it’s just a good idea to curb your binge drinking.

5. Witholding information about your relationship status from single people

If, for some reason, you want to befriend a cute single person while you’re in a relationship, it is your duty to tell them that you’re taken. It doesn’t have to be a grand declaration. You can just slip it in casually when you’re meeting them for drinks. “Oh, my boyfriend/girlfriend and I love to do that activity…” Blah, blah, blah. You get the point. Just don’t lead anyone on. It’s not fair to the single person! Yes, they probably DO assume that you might want to make out. Is that too crazy for you to fathom? When you’re single, you always live one stop away from Make Out City so you better protect yourself and your lips by being truthful!
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